What Do I Say Now? #Pt 2

Some conversations are easy. The weather. The price of groceries. Whether the bakery has sold out of their yummy sausage rolls. Then there are the conversations that make you pause before answering.

Conversations where someone says something about politics, disability, sexuality, relationships or the way other people live, and you’re left deciding whether to speak up, let it pass or think of the perfect response three hours too late.

In a small town like Clunes, there’s another complication: you’ll probably see that person again. At the pub. In the supermarket queue. At the next community meeting. Possibly while you’re both trying to squeeze past each other in the aisle with a trolley full of veg.

So, what do you say?

There’s no magic sentence, but you can start simply with “What makes you think that?”

It’s a useful question when you’re not sure whether someone has thought carefully about their opinion or is repeating something they’ve heard. It gives you a moment to listen before deciding how you want to respond.

But listening doesn’t mean staying silent when a comment is cruel or prejudiced.

You might say:

“I don’t see it that way.”

“I don’t think that’s fair.”

“I’m not comfortable with that comment.” Or:

“I don’t think we should talk about people like that.”

You don’t need a perfectly researched argument. You don’t need to win the conversation. Sometimes, calmly making your position clear is enough. And sometimes the best response is to end the conversation.

“We’re not going to agree on this, so I’m going to leave it there.”

You can change the subject, walk away or decide that this isn’t the moment to engage. That isn’t weakness, and it doesn’t mean the other person was right. It means you’re choosing where to spend your energy. Now, picture this scene.

The music swells. A lone trolley squeaks dramatically in the distance. The fluorescent lights flicker. You’re in the cans aisle of the IGA when, suddenly, you bump into them. Yes. Them.

The person whose opinion made your blood pressure rise last week. They turn. You turn. Somewhere near the baked beans, time stands still. And then they say something you fundamentally disagree with. This is your close up.

You could ask:

“What makes you think that?”

You could draw a boundary:

“I’m not comfortable with that comment.”

Or, if someone else is being targeted, you could step in:

“That’s not okay.”

No dramatic orchestral sting required. No perfectly delivered courtroom speech. Just one clear sentence, delivered calmly, possibly while holding a tin of tomatoes.

There’s also a difference between disagreeing with someone and allowing them to treat another person badly. If someone is being targeted, a simple interruption can help:

“Let’s not make this personal.”

“I don’t think they should have to listen to this.”

You may not change the speaker’s mind. You may not even feel particularly brave while you’re saying it. But the person being targeted will know they weren’t left alone. That matters. Community life is full of people who see the world differently and honestly, that is a great thing. We don’t all share the same politics, beliefs or opinions, and we don’t have to pretend that we do. But disagreement doesn’t have to become humiliation. We can be clear without being cruel, and we can hold our boundaries without turning every conversation into a courtroom drama.

Of course, there are limits. Kindness doesn’t mean accepting abuse, and keeping the peace shouldn’t require someone else to feel unsafe. Some comments need to be challenged, and some conversations need to end. The trick is working out what the moment calls for: a question, a boundary, a defence of someone else or a polite exit.

So perhaps the next time a conversation takes an uncomfortable turn, you don’t need to find the perfect words. You only need to decide what you can honestly say, and say that.

Maybe it’s a question. Maybe it’s a boundary. Maybe it’s a quiet word of support to the person who was targeted. It might not change the whole conversation. But it could change what happens next. And if all else fails, there’s always the option of retreating to the other end of the aisle and pretending you urgently need to compare the labels on two identical tins of tomatoes.

Until next time, Clunes. Keep your wits about you, speak up when it matters and remember that you don’t need the last word to make a difference.

Lou Feeley

Counsellor GradCert in counselling, GradDip in childhood trauma, part time faffer.

This is a series exploring simple ways we can navigate everyday situations and communicate respectfully and inclusively. Interested in how you can create opportunities or moments where everyone feels they belong?