What Do I Say Now? #Pt 1

You know that moment. When you’re sitting at the pub, having a drink, watching the footy, at a community event or simply chatting with friends when someone says something that makes you think: “Oh dear. Did they really just say that?”

Maybe it’s a racist joke. A homophobic or transphobic comment. A sexist remark. Perhaps someone has made a joke about a person’s disability or age. And suddenly your brain goes completely blank. Do I say something? Ignore it? Laugh awkwardly? Change the subject? Pretend I didn’t hear? Or do I make a dramatic exit and hope nobody notices me hiding behind the pot plants?

The good news is that challenging something doesn’t have to mean starting an argument. One of the simplest approaches is to ask: “What do you mean?” Or, if it was supposed to be funny: “Sorry, I don’t get it. What’s funny about that?”

It sounds almost ridiculously simple, but that’s the beauty of it.

Instead of immediately launching into “How dare you!”, you’re asking someone to explain what they’ve actually said. 

And sometimes, when a person has to explain a racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, ableist or ageist joke out loud, they hear it differently themselves. You can also try: “I’m not sure that’s appropriate.” Or: “I don’t think we need to talk about people like that.” Or simply: “That makes me uncomfortable.”

You don’t need to have the perfect response ready. You don’t need to win an argument. And you certainly don’t need to become the unofficial diversity police of Clunes. Because sometimes, one calm sentence is enough.

“But what if it’s more than a joke?” I hear you say. Not everything gets dismissed as “just banter”. Prejudice and discrimination can turn up in all sorts of everyday situations, in the things we say, the assumptions we make and the people we include or leave out. 

• It might be assuming an older person can’t possibly understand technology?

• Assuming someone with a disability needs help without asking them?

• Making comments about someone’s race or culture?

• Making a joke about someone’s sexuality. 

• Talking over women or dismissing what they have to say?

• Assuming someone’s relationship, family or life should look a particular way?

Sometimes people genuinely don’t realise the impact of what they’ve said. That doesn’t mean we have to publicly shame them. We can be curious. We can ask questions. We can set boundaries. And we can give people the opportunity to think again.

And sometimes, safety comes first.

There are situations where a conversation isn’t enough, particularly where someone is being threatened, intimidated, controlled or harmed. In those situations, safety comes first. You don’t have to confront someone directly to be supportive. You can check in with the person afterwards, get help from someone you trust, or seek professional support. Small communities like ours aren’t immune from big issues. But one of the lovely things about living in Clunes is that we bump into each other. We see the same faces at the pub, the shops, sporting clubs, community events and around town. That gives us an opportunity. We can help make our little corner of the world somewhere people feel welcome, respected and safe.

We don’t have to agree on everything. We don’t even have to like everyone. But we can choose how we treat people. So next time someone says something that doesn’t sit quite right, you don’t need to panic, deliver a ten minute lecture or perfect your dramatic walkout. You could simply ask: “What do you mean?” You might be surprised where the conversation goes. And if nothing else, you’ve given them something to think about over their next coffee.

Lou Feeley

Counsellor GradCert in counselling, GradDip in childhood trauma, part time faffer.

This is the first in a series exploring simple ways we can navigate everyday situations and communicate respectfully and inclusively. Interested in how you can create opportunities or moments where everyone feels they belong? Why not join us this Saturday, 3rd October at 25 Fraser Street, from 1pm - 4pm for a special guest workshop with Matthew Parsons, co-designer of the Rainbow Tick process. Matthew will be helping unpack how you can design inclusive events to ensure everyone in our community is welcome. RSVP to manager@clunesnh.org to attend.